The misadventure of drunk Thranduil
by SJBHasADayPass
Summary: This story is crack. Pure and utter crack. My friend wrote a scenario of a Drunk!Thranduil and it was just too good to not publish. I do have her permission, and all of the credit goes to her.


**This is basically all crack. Drunk!Thranduil and really just taking the piss, because a Drunk!Thranduil is just too good to pass up on. My friend and I wrote this through Tumblr message at 11pm-12pm. I only accept 2% of the credit because my friend wrote most of this. If you want to find her on Tumblr, her URL is; themaraudershavethemap. And mine is; loki-is-up-to-no-good. Enjoy the crack! **

Legolas shouting in the distance. "Dad, is dat you?"

Thranduil gracefully runs and hides behind his glorious bitches-be-hating throne, flicking his hair majestically over his shoulder. "Go away, I'm not home!"

_The knocking on door continues. "_TAURIEL?" W_aits 5 minutes, no response. "_TAURIEL?!" S_till no response. "_WHERE THE EVERLIVING FUCK IS THAT GINGER HAIRED BITCH-FACE ELF WHO IS _ALMOST _PRETTIER THAN ME AND MOST DEFINITELY _NOT _ALLOWED TO MARRY MY SON?!" _Thranduil deep sighs before standing up from behind throne "_LORD I SWEAR I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE! I THOUGHT THE WHOLE PART OF BEING KING WAS THAT I GET TO BOSS PEOPLE AROUND TO DO THE WORK _FOR _ME BUT N- OH, HI TAURIEL! SO GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US AT LAST!"

_Tauriel looks quizzically at Thranduil. "_I was just doing my job, my Lord. I was making sure the -"

_Thranduil interrupts. "_"I WAS JUST DOING MY JOB, MY LORD" YEAH? WELL I WAS JUST CONTEMPLATING IN MY HEAD, HAVING A HUGE FUCKING INTERNAL DEBATE, ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD OPEN THE DOORS OF MY MAJESTIC REALM TO LET MY ONLY FUCKING SON AND CHILD IN BECAUSE YOU" he jabs her in the chest, "WERE TOO BUSY DOING THE FUCKING JOB I (DON'T) PAY YOU FOR! GOD, NOW I'M REALLY GLAD I SAID YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MARRY LEGOLAS BECAUSE DAMN SON YOU DON'T DESERVE HIS LEGO-_ASS_!"

_Tauriel raises an eyebrow at Thranduil. "_When you've quite finished abusing me, my Lord, perhaps you'd like to know that the latest supply of Mead and wine has been delivered from Laketown."

_Thranduil pulls a face of utter disgust at Tauriel. "Y_ou think that…you think that I don't already know that?" ___hic!__ "Y_ou think that I, King Thranduil of the Woodland realm, don't already know I've got a butt-load of alcohol in my cellar? Jesus fucking CHRIST, TAURIEL! HAVE I BLINDED YOU WITH MY BEAUTY OR CAN YOU JUST NOT FUCKING SEE I CLEARLY HAVE A HUGE ASS" ___hic!__ "_GOBLET OF WINE IN MY HAND?!" He _takes a drink from goblet. "_YOU KNOW WHAT THAT TASTES LIKE, TAURIEL?! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS WINE TASTES LIKE, TAURIEL?"

_Tauriel begins to answer. "_No, my Lord, I-"

_Thranduil interrupts. "_THAT'S RIGHT, YOU FUCKING DON'T! BECAUSE NO-ONE_…" ____hic!__ "NO-ONE _DRINKS MY WINE EXCEPT ME AND POSSIBLY SOME OTHER ELVES THAT ARE COOLER THAN YOU BUT NOT MANY BECAUSE..." Thranduil suddenly become calm. "Pfft! _Cool_ Elves? In _Mirkwood_?" ___hic!__ "_I don't think so!"

_He holds out goblet for Tauriel. "_SMELL THAT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SMELLS LIKE?"

_Tauriel responds calmly. "_It smells like fruits to me, my Lord."

Thranduil shakes his head in response. "You know what it smells like to me? DISAPPOINTMENT, BROKEN DREAMS AND FAILURE! Oh wait," He gives his wine a quick sniff. "you're right it _does _smell like fruits…it's YOU THAT SMELLS LIKE DISAPPOINTMENT, BROKEN DREAMS AND FAILURE!" He _partly mumbles to himself, "T_hinking you are good for my son and shit well I tell you NOW, SON: MY BOY IS WORTH MORE THAN YOU HAVE TO OFFER! KNOW WHY THAT IS?"

_Silence._

_"_I SAID: DO YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS?"

_Tauriel responds. "_No, my Lord-"

_Thranduil loses his shit again. "_I'MA TELL YOU WHY! BECAUSE IT'S YOU, I'M GON' TELL YOU WHY: IT'S BECAUSE HE'S MY FUCKING SON, YOU GINGER, ELVEN FUCKNUT!" ___hic!__ "_I MEAN, LOOK AT ME! I'M FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!" _Thranduil takes a big swig of wine then swirls it round in his goblet. "_I'm so pretty and it hurts that not everyone's as pretty as me."

_Thranduil frowns while Tauriel looks around awkwardly. "H_ave you quite finished, my Lord? Only I- my Lord? My Lord, what are you doing?"

_Thranduil sits down on the floor and rests his head in his hands. "_I want to have a party but no-one will come…that and no-one will get invited but that's beside the point. The point, TAURIEL, IS THAT I WANT TO HAVE A PARTY BY MYSELF AND DRINK AND SING BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL WANT TO JOIN ME AND THAT PAINS ME TO THINK ABOUT BECAUSE UGH, ELVES! OTHER LIVING BEINGS AND INTERACTION! GOD, I CAN'T CATCH A FUCKING BREAK! BEING KING IS SO HARD!"

_Tauriel sighs. "_I can imagine…not being able to open doors because "wow, I'm the king and have much more important things to be doing than OPENING DOORS TO MY OWN FREAKING REALM!""

_Thranduil looks positively offended. "Y_ou're not king, I am! I'M THE KING! I'M PRETTIER THAN YOU AND MY HAIR'S SOFTER, FEEL IT! FEEL MY HAIR, TAURIEL! OH, FINE! I DON'T NEED YOUR GRUBBY HANDS GLIDING THROUGH MY LUSCIOUS, LUCIUS-MALFOY LOCKS ANYWAY!" _Thranduil lies down and sings himself to sleep about how beautiful he is. _

_Tauriel goes to open the doors; finds Legolas waiting outside the doors. "_Legolas? Have you been out here this whole time?"

_Legolas looks at Tauriel. "Y_eah…I have. Has Ada finally knocked himself unconscious from drinking too much wine?" _Legolas doesn't look a bit surprised when Tauriel nods "H_mm…big fucking surprise there, am I right?"

_Tauriel glares. "_Why, if you've been out here this whole time, did you not just WALK IN?!"

_Legolas looks around absent-mindedly. "_It sounded like you had the situation under control. I didn't want to disturb the flow of things."

_*5 minutes later*_

_Thranduil leans against Legolas outside the palace. "_I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE FUCKING KICKED US OUT, MAN! WHO THE FUCK SHE" ___hic! __"_THINK SHE IS, YOUR MOTHER?! AHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER USED TO KICK ME OUT EVEN WHEN I _HADN'T _BEEN DRINKING!" _Thranduil laughs hysterically but Legolas looks slightly scared and confused. "B_ut your mother's dead so…so that's not good really, is it?"

_Legolas rolls his eyes, "N_o, father, it is not." Legolas m_umbles under breath; "B_ecause she's left me to try and deal with you."

_Thranduil starts singing again and Legolas is slowly going into meltdown. "_TAURIEL?! PLEASE LET ME BACK IN! ADA'S SINGING AGAIN AND I JUST…I CAN'T BEAR THIS! I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID! TAURIEL? TAURIEL?! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!" _Thranduil sings even louder. "_OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, ADA! WHY ARE YOU EVEN SINGING?! YOU CAN'T FUCKING SING WHEN YOU'RE SOBER NEVER MIND WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK!"

_Thranduil sings in Legolas' face. "_TAURIEL! I'M SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I SAID! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME OUT HERE! I CAN'T STAND THIS!" Meanwhile, _Tauriel stands on the opposite side of the door sniggering with the keys in her hand._

"She's just jealous that I'm prettier than her, son." _Thranduil continues singing._

_Legolas breaks, stands up and shouts in Thranduil's face. "_SHUT UP! I LITERALLY CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!"

_Thranduil goes serious. "Y_ou have" ___hic!__ "_your mother's eyes." Thranduil breaks into down _laughing psychotically. "_HEY LEGOLAS, YOUR MOTHER'S SPIRIT CALLED! SHE WANTS HER EYES BACK YOU THIEVING SON OF A BITCH!" And he still carries on _laughing hysterically._

_Legolas turns to walk away through the forest._

_Thranduil pipes up. "_HEY, SON?! AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?!" He screams sarcastically at Legolas. This earned _no response apart from an eye-roll from Legolas. "_YOU'RE AN ELF, NOT A FUCKING HOBBIT! HOBBIT'S CLIMB TREES AND…WHATEVER BUT ELVES DON'T SO COME HERE AND SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN WITH YOUR OLD AS BALLS DAD, 'KAY?!" _Legolas returns to his father's side._ "Oh, this is nice! Isn't this nice, Legolas?!"

_No response._

_Thranduil looks at him with mild disgust then merely says, "H_ey, Legolas? Why you gotta be such a Lego-ASS?! GOD!" _Thranduil sulks. Legolas sulks. Thranduil thinks about how beautiful and funny he is and smiles to himself. "_I'm fucking beautiful, son. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." _Thranduil falls asleep, Legolas merely sits there, barely-conscious drunken father leaning on him, wondering what the fuck went wrong with his life._

_**Hope you enjoyed the crack, go to my friend's Tumblr and tell her how awesome it is. (Literally, she wrote 98% of this and the only thing I wrote was the beginning bit with Thranduil hiding behind his bitching throne, so show her some love)**_


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